SAN FRANCISCO AIRPORT ANNOUNCEMENTS
Non-fiction Humor, By Pat Gilbert
Recently Ed and I took one of our business trips and passed through San Francisco Airport as usual. I don’t know why this was a special occasion other than it was just before Christmas. It seems that day I was paying more attention to announcements than usual at 6 AM. We had landed a few minutes before and were waiting for a connection into Vancouver, BC.
You know the type. She was in love with the PA system and her voice. We heard her announcements and pronouncements for roughly 45 minutes repeated at inappropriate intervals.
“Good morning travelers. My name is Clarissa. I am the podium attendant and in charge of this podium. Please do not approach the podium until I am finished. On behalf of United Airlines and its sister airline Air Canada, welcome to gate 87A and B. This announcement affects flight # operated by Air Canada and flown by United Airlines. I will take care of your questions, after I make my announcements to tell you what is going on with your flight.
“If you are going to Vancouver, Canada on this flight, you will need a passport. If you are not going to Vancouver, Canada on this flight, you will not need a passport.
“We except to have an on time delayed departure for this non-stop flight to Vancouver.
“I don’t speak French but I do speak English so this announcement will only be in English even though it should also be in French. I work for United Airlines not Air Canada.
“I regret to tell you that we either have a stoppage or a slowage happening so we don’t know when or what plane is coming in to take you to your destination. We don’t think it is a stoppage because planes are moving. We think it is a slowage. That can mean air traffic control problems or weather problems. Neither one is our fault so we can’t give you meal vouchers. If we think it is our fault, we will give you meal vouchers later today. You should take advantage of them because we don’t serve food on this flight.
“We are working to get information we don’t have to reschedule your flight and gate for an on time delayed departure.
“Please stay by this gate if you are traveling with small children or need extra time with special assistance. We anticipate having to make a gate change to another terminal at the last moment and we want to make sure you are here. You will not have a lot of time to make the new gate so please stand by until we tell you where to go.
“If you need to use the restrooms, you should use them now because you might not have time while trying to get to another terminal. If you use the restrooms, check the departure board for up-to-date information because we here at the podium don’t always have what information is on the departure board which really is the best source of information for departing and arriving flights.
“We anticipate an on time delayed departure as soon as we figure out what plane we can use and what the schedule should be.
“Make sure you are where you can hear my announcements so you know what to do.
I am now going on a short break and will return to another gate that does not work this flight.
“Thank you for your patience. Happy holidays. “
Pat’s note: I did really take notes not believing what I was hearing. We raced to gate #72 which was located in another terminal and had an on time delayed departure due to a slowage. We arrived ahead of schedule (speedage?) in Vancouver and the flight had to wait for a gate because WE WERE EARLY. Is that earliage? Or non-slowage?
Ed’s note: On a recent trip we landed 15 minutes ahead of schedule and arrived at the gate 20 minutes after scheduled arrival. Sat on the runway for 35 minutes. We luckily made our connection. When you have time to spare, fly by air!